Oh Callings

I've had this on my mind for oh ... about 2 months now.  I have thought about posting about it but never did because I thought no one would be interested in reading it. Well, yesterday I was reading Steph's blog and I love how she is so straight forward and honest and real. It got me thinking and I thought maybe, just maybe, people won't mind reading about my thoughts and feelings.
 
Just over 2 months ago I got a call from the executive secretary that the bishop wanted to meet with me. Well, I know from Quinn being in the bishopric that the bishop only extends certain callings. So when I knew I was meeting with him specifically I was actually quite calm about it but it really started me thinking. We met with the Bishop. He asked me to serve  as the Nursery Leader. 

I was stunned.

I had been considered for this while Quinn was still in the Bishopric and I was glad to hear that the Bishop and his counselors all agreed that my position in life did not fit with nursery.  I am having a hard time understanding how it fits now.  The only thing that has changed is that now I am pregnant.  And it's not that I hate nursery.  I have served there before and it was wonderful.  I wouldn't even mind being in there again, but just not right now in my life.  Little kids is all I do all day long. The only adult I see is Quinn and by the time the kids are in bed and we can actually have some uninterrupted adult conversation ... Quinn usually falls asleep.

Back to the meeting:  Bishop asked me how I feel about this calling and what my thoughts were.  While I was gathering my thoughts something else was said, the subject changed, and it never returned.  So I never had a chance to tell him. I accepted the call and we left. As soon as we got out to the car I just cried and cried. I couldn't even wrap my brain around the fact that just a couple months ago they said absolutely not and now they give me the call; now that I am pregnant.

I was upset for about the first week then I decided to just do it. I didn't' have to love it, I just had to do it.  Do it well and maybe I would love it anyway. Normally I would love it. But church is the one time in a week that I can visit with adults and actually listen to an adult lesson. Instead I baby sit everyone's crying kids.

I was assured 3-4 more people were to be called to the nursery so we would have plenty of help and maybe set up shifts. Just over 2 months has past and I am still the one and only. (They did call one about 6 weeks ago but she has been out with health issues since her first week). Quinn comes in to help when he can and he is so much help, but he also teaches High Priests and sometimes teaches gospel essentials. The bishopric has never checked on me.  The Primary Presidency has rarely checked in on me.  When Quinn can be in there for the first hour he usually spends that time running around trying to find someone to help in the nursery so he can leave to teach 3rd hour.

Is it ok to say that after 2 months of this I am worn out?  and pregnant?  

I could handle this so much better if I had more adult interaction.  I used to get a little recharge in that way at church, but now what juice I still have gets drained in nursery.  It's defeating.  Recently my next door neighbor who is a 75 year old widow whom I'm friends with said to me, "You haven't been feeling well have you? I haven't seen you at church in weeks." That says it all. I told her I am in the nursery.  

I hate dreading church.  I didn't dread it when my husband was in the bishopric and I had to get 3 little kids ready for 9am church all by myself.  But I dread it now. 

Because I am lonely.

I miss family.  I long to be closer to family where I have wonderful friends.  My best friends are members of our family, and I miss you.  I guess that is the entire reason behind this post.  It's not that nursery is so hard or bad.  It's not that callings are burdensome.  It's that this calling has amplified my loneliness and I just needed to communicate that.


Now I dread church. I dream about nursery and I swear I wake up more worn out. I am a people person and I see no one at church. Seriously, I go to sacrament meeting then as fast as I can I rush off to nursery to get things ready all by myself. I then have to wait around holding crying kids waiting for enough help to show up so that I can then go relieve my pregnant bladder. When church is over I already have both the girls so Quinn gets McKay from sunbeams and they meet us in the nursery and from there we head home with me not having a chance to talk to or see any adults.

I have no visiting teachers, our home teachers don't ever come, and the relief society announcements  never make it to nursery so I don't know about any activities.

   I don't know if there is an end to this story. I could go on and on with my frustrations and complaining. I've tried having a good attitude and tried telling myself this will pass but even then I feel like I could go crazy. I told Quinn, once I get a kid to stop crying and then they want to start up again I want to tell them Nope sorry you've had your turn no more crying.

   Being in the nursery has made my loneliness so so so much worse. And with Quinn's 3 callings keeping him so busy, much busier than when he was in the bishopric, I feel like climbing the walls with the cold weather and rain starting to set in.  We are cooped up in this house all day every day. Just me and 3 wonderful little kids who I can tell also LOVE to get out of the house just to go somewhere or see people, but who? We have no close friends. I used to think when the time came for us to leave I would want to go but that it would be hard to say goodbye. I now feel like get me out of here as fast as you can.